So the great (or maybe not) news has been delivered. And we're not happy. We feel underpaid. And it sucks that I (or we) still need to wait another eight months for the next round of bonus aka the 13th month pay. I can't actually count on the job recognition (perks) in July because I will never ever be in that list. (I still hope though! Labo.)

My boss would (most of the time) seek my help on some technical stuff on Microsoft Office. And this usually includes seeing her (somewhat surprise/semi confidential) team report to a foreign visitor in our office. This report apparently includes the top performers in our team. I used to be one of the top performers in our team... one and half year ago. But sadly, the crown has been taken away from me. It's very depressing. It just happened that I (accidentally yeah) saw the new list of top performers which apparently does not include me. Don't get me wrong, I am genuinely happy for them and I know they all deserve it. I guess what's happening here is I hate myself for not doing my best and taking everything for granted. I got contented that I'm no longer pushing myself enough to the limits. But at the same time, I can't help myself but to think: what if I was still in the list?

I wanted to be in that list. There, I said it. I badly wanted it that it makes me depressed whenever it's performance review season. I've been eyeing that recognition ever since I joined the company. It's my motivation why I'm still working for this company. That recognition was my goal. But now, I guess I'll never have that chance anymore.